Monday, January 16, 2012

Are you there five? It's me Mom.

I have a confession to make.  I can not wait till both of my kids are in school.  Not preschool, REAL school.  The kind that lasts more then 35 minutes and also provides transportation.  Right now Noah is technically in "preschool".  That is where I pay money for him to basically stay home with me.  No joking, he has been in school for 3 days in the last 3 weeks.  First it was winter vacation.  Then a illness brought on by the fact that 4 year old's are walking petri dishes full of rotavirus.  Today, it is Martin Luther King day.  So for the past month I paid the school district so that I could watch my own kid destroy my house and tear down my last bits of sanity.

On days were Noah does have school he gets dropped off by me at 8:30 am.  When I say 8:30 I MEAN 8:30.  The teachers stand behind the doors of the school watching us in our cars as the children jump around the vehicle from the front seat to the back, putting the windows up and down, touching all the dials on the dashboard, kicking the back of my seat, and instigating fights with their siblings.  At exactly 8:31 they open the doors...not a minute earlier.  Then I drive home, put the car in park, get my daughter out, have a cup of coffee, get back in my car and pick him up at 11:15 am.  Yes I love the baby stage, I wish he would be little forever, blah blah, mother of the year blah, but please for the love of all things holy TURN 5 ALREADY WILL YA!
All the wonderful things that happen by the time they are five.  

  •  They no longer consume formula and or breast milk (both of which will make your life a living hell).  Formula is about the cost of your monthly mortgage payment and breast milk??? Well I personally couldn't go 6 months without alcohol consumption so rock on boob feeders.
  •  Diapers are no longer on your weekly shopping list.  Damn how I will be gleeful when that 20 dollars at Target can go towards some Mosimo clearance!
  •  Hopefully they can communicate by then with words and the constant crying and whining to get what they want will end.
  • A school bus will pick them up in the morning and take them to a safe haven for a few hours.
  • I will be able to go back to school/work since I won't have to pay 4.000,000 dollars a month for a babysitter or "preschool" as they like to call it.


That is the short list but I am sure I could think up more if my son was at SCHOOL instead of standing here demanding food every 3 minutes.

So yes, there are times I wish they were babies again but that moment is fleeting and immediately followed by the extreme desire to spend my days doing something other then pouring goldfish and driving back and forth to the school.  I've got a few months left on number 1 and a few years left on number 2.  It seems very long from my vantage point but I know any mother of teenagers will tell me it flies.  I guess it is kind of like a car payment, for lack of a better analogy.  You spend 5 years making that damn monthly payment.   Bitching and complaining and waiting for that last payment stub to be sent off.  The day you do, you look into the driveway and start dreaming of the next NEW car and the cycle continues.

I am sure that when they are both in school I will find things to complain about too.  Why?  Because that's just the way it is.  Today I can't wait for 5. By the time they are 5 I will probably be wishing they were 1 again.  (Sigh)  Probably not. :-)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Dog shit, Chicken shit, Baby shit.

This week I get to have the house, kids, chickens, dog, wood stove, snow removal, trash removal, and nightly meltdowns all to myself.  Yes, Dov is away for work and I get to captain the ship solo.  Not that Dov is on vacation or anything...but he might as well be as far as I am concerned.  I would do just about anything if I got to do it alone. I  just need to get away from this damn house!  How could it be any worse then the chores that need to be done here with the two leeches hanging off me.

For example, Sunday the day Dov left, I had my parents here.  While we were meandering around the yard I happened to notice that there was a exponential amount of dog crap in the yard.  Guess I haven't been keeping up with that part of dog ownership?  Well it didn't bother me till I had guests jumping over dog bombs all over the yard like a mine field.  So out to the yard I went with the shovel and bucket in hand.  Now the two children are out there as well, surrounded by power wheels, swing sets, tire swings and bikes but what are they doing??? shadowing me and stepping in every single dog shit I miss.  Into the house we go clean dog crap off shoes.  FML.

Now that the yard is all cleaned up for Tahoe to move his bowels in again, I head over to the chicken coop to get killed by my Rooster (yes the children follow me here as well).  Now the chicken maintenance is minimal at best in the summertime but in the winter, if you are a cheapo like me who won't splurge 50 bucks for a heated water dispenser, you will need to change out the frozen chicken water throughout the day.  No big deal if you are not deathly afraid of getting your face pecked off by a jacked up Rooster.  This exercise in overcoming extreme fear has been going on for a week now...tonight it seems we have found common ground.


I headed in to get the water and check for eggs around 4:30 this evening.  All the hens were lined up sweetly in their poop covered laying boxes dozing peacefully and there on top of all the roosting boxes was him, and by "him" I mean the assbag rooster.  Stalking back and forth, stopping to periodically lift his talons and pretend he was going to launch into my face.  Below him, on the coop floor lied one egg.  I then had to work up the courage to bend over, rendering myself helpless prey, and pick up this egg.  HE LET ME DO IT!!! HE DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO KILL ME!  I think we have had a breakthrough.  I know he wanted me to leave it  there because if I did he would eat the thing.  That is how gross he is.  He eats his own fetuses.  Gross right?

Anywho...there is all the animal stuff and then the day to day crap with the kids.  Probably worse then the dog and the chickens combined.  Kidding...I think?  We are all plain sick of each other and getting testy.  Bedtime just keeps getting earlier and earlier.  Pretty soon they will be tucked in before dinner, saving me that Goddamn horrible job.  DINNER TIME SUCKS WITH KIDS.  Sorry it does.  No matter what friggin awesome thing you slave over, they will not eat it.  They will tell you it is gross, nasty, and that they want mac and cheese.  You will end up shoveling all that hard work into the trash 20 minutes after it leaves the pan.

Okay and it is supposed to snow tomorrow.  Here in the Nashua area we are going to get "some" accumulation...most likely just enough to make getting wood for the wood burning stove really annoying.  Yes the "wood stove" that we are heating our entire house with.  So this is a full time job in and of itself.  I have to keep that thing cranking if I don't want us to all freeze to death.  So here I am holding my eyes open with toothpicks at 11:30pm waiting to stock that beast for the night.  Oh because if you do it earlier the stove goes out while you are sleeping and your pipes freeze...no responsibility there right?

Moral of the story...I will be covered in at least three different species shit by the time Dov gets home.
Human, chicken, and dog.  I am sure he will be so glad to see me!

We are all still alive.  That is all that matters.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

kind of amazing how much changes in a couple years.

I was looking at pictures last night and was slightly amazed at how much my babies changed in the first several years of life.  You can not tell what your child will look like the moment they are born or even a year after...I think it is somewhere around the fourth year of life that you can start to see just what your child might look like as a adult.  Here are my examples.

Noah (birth to 4 years)
Here Noah is exactly 20 minutes old.
1 month old
3 1/2 months old
7 months old
9 months
10 months
1 year old
2 years old
3 years old 
4 years old.  ;)

Isabella, just shy of 2 years. (birth to now)

5 minutes old

2 weeks old

Almost 2 months

4 months old

5 months

6 months old

1 year old

13 months 

1 1/2 years old.

????