Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Sick kids and how to be a jerk off at Walmart

My sick little girl :-(  Makes me sad

I have a sick little girl on my hands today.  There is nothing I hate more then when one of my kids is sick.  It is especially bad when they don't talk yet and you have to play detective to find out what is wrong with them.  I didn't have to try to hard this time since it was obvious that little Bell had gone and gotten herself a real nice summer cold fully equipped with a phlegmy cough, watery eyes and enough snot to sink a ship.  She is just miserable which leads to two things.  One,  is a very cranky, whiny, unhappy baby that wants to be held CONSTANTLY and two is LONG naps.  Without the long naps the awake time would be unbearable.  Nothing would get done.  I mean NOTHING.  A 30 pound baby girl on your hip like dead weight with her head on your shoulder soaking your shirt with boogies doesn't lend itself well to housework.  Nap time today has allowed for me to exhaust myself blowing up a kiddie pool, hang out a few loads of laundry, and make some mean potato salad.  Oh and bang out this blog post.  Aren't you lucky!!!
Poor thing is NOT A HAPPY CAMPER.

Another thing that makes me awesome. Today at Walmart, while my daughter cried and wiped snot on the handle of the shopping cart, I placed 22 items on the 20 or less conveyor and didn't even get mad when the douchbag behind me wanted to have a dirty looks contest.  I just said to myself, "Michelle.  You know if you wanted to you could kick her ass...shit you are jacked from carrying around this friggin baby all morning!"  Then I smiled and took out my checkbook just to be a REAL jerk off.  Have a nice day lady.  Enjoy that box of Tampons.  Hope it wasn't a emergency.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

No good deed goes unpunished.

No good deed goes unpunished, isn't that the saying?  Today's trip to Lyndeborough for their Memorial Day parade was a good example of that.  Maybe it was the fact that it was a little too hot out for the kids or maybe it was the fact that Lyndeborough's idea of a parade is a little off by today's standards.  To call it a disaster would be overstating it but to call it a bad idea would be reasonable.  I should have known when we pulled into town and the only store was this.  The Village Store, a village is not a city, not a town, it is a village.  I think the population is close to zero. 
There were approximately 15 people on the sides of the road when we pulled into the village.  I was a little surprised since we only had about 10 minutes till the parade was about to kick off.  I heard the drums start and the kids settled in to see all the hoopla.  The thing was that there was absolutely NO hoopla to be had.  Even the fire truck didn't wail on the siren.  I mean what the hell is a parade without your ears ringing when you leave?  Noah starts to yell "when are they gonna throw the candy?"  Sorry kid this is not that kind of parade.  When your kid yelling for candy can be heard by all the people in attendance that means this parade is a FAIL.  Hey at least Abraham Lincoln showed up.

Noah's expression sums up his sentiments about this parade experience.  I think that I might have a hard time getting him excited about parades again.

What a crowd huh?
Even a trip to DD dogs couldn't lift the funk. 

The remedy was right at home.  A sprinkler and a bathing suit was all we needed to lift the gloom. 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Did you know you can get poison ivy in your thoat? You do now.

Here are some things that make me say the F word.  Mostly in anger but sometimes in awe.

  1. Poison Ivy-This shit is terrible.  I remember it as a kid but I swear it has gotten worse.  My husband spotted some in a overgrown garden on our property border a couple of weeks ago.  Saturday he went out with gloves on and started to pull it up by the roots.  This is what all our Google research informed us was the best, most effective method to get rid of it for good.  Long story short, within hours he had swollen glands and a pretty bad sore throat, not to mention a nice itchy rash on his wrist/forearm.  Oh and to top it off, the next morning who wakes up with poison ivy all over her stomach???  ME!  I didn't touch the damn stuff and I still manage to get it.  So now I walk around itching myself like a crazy lunatic all day.  We still have poison ivy.  I am buying the spray...screw it...I don't care if it is toxic to frogs.  Poison ivy is toxic to me.
  2. Why is it that your kids could be perfectly content and quiet but as soon as the phone rings or you have company or you just handled raw chicken, they will subsequently melt down into a ear piercing temper tantrum.  I don't get it.  It is like they can sense your inability to meet their needs at that exact second and so they decide that you should know you could possibly be inconveniencing them.  I have been known to go out in the garage to take a phone call while they kick and scream on the kitchen floor.  Sorry but you can wait 25 errr 5 minutes for me to get you a friggin drink.
  3. I wonder why since becoming a mother I repeat things constantly.  Sometimes I do it even if the kids are currently doing what I asked.  Example:  This morning  I am getting Noah dressed so I  say, "take your shirt off, take your shirt off, take your shirt off" very loudly in short succession.  He already was taking it off but I am so sure that if I did not repeat it exactly three times he would stop midway thru with one arm in and one arm out, forget what he was doing and go back to irritating his sister, all while his shirt is half off.  I swear...he would.
  4. Why do kids go straight for puddles or any standing water when they get outside?  I sometimes change my kid 3 times a day.  Who the hell likes to be wet with clothes on?  Is it comfortable or do they just like for me to stop what I am doing and change their clothes again.  I think it is the latter.
  5. My daughter can have a binky in her face ALL DAY.  As soon as I want to put her down for a nap I can not find a single one.  Some days I will pile them all up in a secure location and within a few hours they are ALL gone and not a single one to be found.  Running around the house looking for one of these things while your daughter screams bloody murder in her crib is one of the most stressful events of my day.  I have a LOVE/HATE relationship with binkys.
  6.  Lastly this was found at my favorite store....I will let you guess....everything is a dollar.  Did you get it yet?  Good.  Do you see why I thought this was a little strange to find in the toy section...and I don't mean adult toys.  Although that would be terrific if they stocked that stuff...would save me a trip to Rt.9  Just kidding...um not.

It was also brought to my attention that the plastic encasement is of a questionable shape...you decide.

Well maybe I just have a overactive imagination but I thought this was pretty hilarious.  I am stocking up for Bella's next birthday party favors!!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Things that make me go awwwww.

I am going to brag a bit...I have the sweetest husband ever!  As mentioned in my last post, Dov put together Noah's play set this past weekend.  Along with that we did a little limb removal on the giant catalpa tree in our yard, the tree that Noah's tire swing hangs on.  I watched him chainsaw off a few large branches on Saturday but what I didn't see was this.
Love it.  At least while the mosquito's eat me alive as I endlessly push Noah on the swing, I can glance up and see that. 

Since it is finally NOT raining we decided that we would lunch outside.  Good times. 
Noah decided that Bell needed some help finishing her goldfish.  This led to the collapse of our carefree yard luncheon.  Also I am now just waiting for Bell to get a foot to the head as she prances back and forth in front of the swing set while Noah swings.  I can't think of a better excuse for Noah to give Bell a good swift kick across the yard.  So Now I just scream "WATCH OUT BELLA""WATCH OUT NOAH" over and over and over...

Also tomorrow is the last episode of Oprah.  I am not quite sure how I feel about it.  I am having a little send off party with Amy.  Moscow mules and appetizers followed by a little dinner and lots of tissues.  Oprah has marked the starting of dinner preparation and the only female companionship I have most days being home in the boonies with two kids.  Not to mention the years that I watched her before I had children.  I am praying that they find a suitable replacement.  Not Dr. Phil.  I DETEST Dr. Phil.  Pompous ass.  Master of the obvious.  Not really confident anyone can fill her shoes.  :(  It will be a sad day.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The baby broke my nose.

Have you ever been headbutted by a large headed child before?  Have you had that giant baby head, all excited and playful, come slamming right into your nose?  It will fill your body with the most conflicting emotions you will ever have.  For a minute you will want to punch a baby.  You won't do it, but as tears well in your eyes and blood starts trickling from your nose your baby will look at you laughing and poke you right were it hurts.  For the love of motherhood there is nothing more painfully fustrating as that.  It means that playtime is going to meet a abrupt end and the child will be crying and so will you.  Moving on because just thinking about it brings back feelings that a "good" mother should not have.
Sorry I busted you in the face mom.  I let the excitement take over and my head got away from me.

In other news we got a call Sunday morning from Grammy Constance, Dov's mother, and she had a friend that was going to trash a wooden playset that her children had outgrown.  We could not let that happen so off we went to dissesmble and transport this thing back to New Hampshire.  To be truthful I just watched the kids while Dov and his mom took it apart but hey thats helping right?  So now Dov is outside in the rain piecing this thing back together.  It is by no means new or beautiful but I think that it is perfect for Noah and I hope he enjoys it for more then a week, which is about the novelty period in this house. 

We also worked in the yard this weekend, well the one day that it stopped raining and being shitty.  I took a errand opportunity that I obviously had no business taking.  It was to go to Lowes and get some grass seed and some fertilizer.  No big deal right?  Well it wasn't till I got to checkout and realized that I must have picked magic grass seed.  As she finishes ringing me up I glance at the debit machine and see a total of $144.00!!!  WTH!  Now there is a line of people behind me all balancing heavy bags of whatever on their shoulders so I feel obligated to hurry up and pay.  As soon as I get to the car I take out the reciept because obviously there is some sort of mistake...I mean she must have rung up the bag 16 or 17 times by accident right?  Nope.  Each bag of grass seed was $49.00 and each bag of fertilizer was $45.00.  No lie.  I drove home shocked.  I desperately wanted to stop at Dunkins for a coffee but I was now offically broke from grass seed.  I got home, face hanging low, and tell Dov my grand total.  Long story short we immediatly made a trip back to return my overpriced seed and Dov showed me that there is a bigger bag of seed for just $20.00.  What can I say.  I am a sheep.  I saw everyone buying this one bag so thats what I got.  I guess from now on I will let Dov do the Lowes errands and I will stick to the Dollar Tree.  I might get the last laugh though when the grass grows in and most of it is crab.  We'll see.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Pink Flamingos with umbrella cocktails? I'm getting one.

Today marks the fifth straight day of rain.  I dropped Noah off at school and headed to Savers in Nashua.  If  you don't know what Savers is let me enlighten you.  It is like a Salvation Army/Goodwill that is a little cleaner, more organized, and has enough shopping carts.  Anyone that has shopped at a Salvation Army knows that you have to damn near claw somebodies eyes out to get a carriage.  Even then it is some Market Basket cast off with one wheel that doesn't touch the ground and another that makes a high pitch squealing noise.  This is great when you are a kid though because no matter where your mother tries to hide you will find her.
I know a lot of people would not be caught dead at a second hand store but I was raised on second hand stuff, be it from the Salvation Army or the cousins.  So this morning, in light of absolute boredom, I decided to make a trip and see what Savers had in store.  Honest to God the first thing I saw was this.
Of course I had to get it for $2.00.  As mom would say, "it was god's will!"  Bella seems to like it too.

Another favorite cheap spot as I have mentioned several times is the Dollar Store.  My most recent additions are shown here.
I am sorry but how can you not love these guys.  When I told my husband about my latest dollar score he just shook his head.  Hey, what can I say?  I am pretty easy to please.  No!!!  Don't get me anything from Tiffany's just give me a couple of bucks and a hour.  I will find you a treasure to behold.

They are gracing our headstone.  What could make a happier grave sight then two pink flamingos drinking fruity cocktails with umbrellas?  Ummmmm I can't think of anything.  So they are staying.  I don't care what Dov thinks.  Yeah I am going crazy and he has no one to blame but himself...leaving me here all day with two kids.  Just kidding.  I was crazy before the kids.  I like to think of those Flamingos as Dov and me.  Oh and notice my pinwheel.  Yes another score from the Tree, my nickname for the Dollar Tree (thats how tight we are).

This one solved the whole squirrel problem.  Nipped those squirrels right in the butt!  Anyway Hummingbirds are way better then regular birds.  Oh and guess what???  They have feet!  I know there has been some controversy about that at one time (maybe after a few drinkies) but it is all cleared up now...I have picture proof.  Look at those cute little feet.   This is one dollar store purchase that brings me some good entertainment as those mosquito birds fight over one drinking hole while there are clearly 3 more.  Can't blame them though.  Look at how small those birds are.  Obviously their brains are not that big.  Pretty cute though.
The kids are down for a nap.  AT THE SAME TIME NO LESS! So I should go make productive use of this time and watch some Judge Mathis.  Tell me...Do you shop at thrift stores or discount stores?  Ever score a sweet item that is all the sweeter because of the price tag? 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Diary of a mad white woman

This weather is killing me.  I LOATH it.  I am sick of cooking, cleaning, and laundry.  I am sick of the kids.  Plain sick of it I tell ya.  But since we are bored, I have been cooking, here was breakfast.  The kids hated them.  Yup, shit you not.  Noah just wanted Cheerios.  When will I learn?

Here is a fantastic jump in topics for you...old diary's...DON'T READ THEM!  I have a few from the last couple of years that are fine to look back on, mostly because the stuff in there is pretty current and if it needs to be dealt with the statue of limitations is still in your favor.  That and for some reason I think I have learned to write things down without such raw and unadulterated language as I've gotten older...I must have simmered down some in my old age.
My sister graced me with my diary relic this past weekend while I was down visiting my parents.  We are driving home after getting a coffee and she starts telling me about this diary that is up in my old closet.  She then tells me she read it when she was twelve and it scarred her for life.  Nice!  Not only is there a  piece of my obviously embarrassing history in my parents now spare bedroom, but my sister has read it, awesome.  We get back to my parents and she runs up to get it, because she knows exactly where it is.  As soon as I saw the cover of this thing I was time warped back to 1999-2001.  Not the best years but certainly very dramatic.  Lets just say, Diary of a American Teenager has nothing on me...NOTHING.  As I browsed through I was floored at all the things that were going on during that time, and how incredibly stupid I was to ever write these things down where they could possibly be read by another human being.  Very embarrassing to say the least and as I got to the end I noticed another persons handwriting...my mothers!!!  Written in the back cover was this...And the award for Best Actress supporting goes to!  Totally humiliating.  So now I blog.  I blog so that I will resist the urge to obviously spill every single thought that pours into my head out onto paper where I will inevitably misplace it and some unsuspecting twelve year old girl will be tormented with thoughts of what a (insert horrible adjective here) sister she has.
Another thing, old diary's also make you want to exact revenge on people that you no longer know and some that you do, that can't be very healthy either, but I digress.  I have these two little babes to keep my mind occupied most of the time.  The revenge will have to wait.  Evil laughter ensues...THE END.

Isabella got a bang trim.  Adorable.
She also got a tutu from the Dollar Store.
Noah got to pick out his own PJ'S.  Great taste huh?

*  So tell me, do you read your old diary's?  Do you even keep one?  Do they ever piss you off?  Anyone? Anyone?...crickets.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Power washing and Pit bulls

Power washing.  This had serious potential for knocking lawn mowing off my favorite chore list. That was until we realized that although extremely satisfying and enjoyable we much prefer running water in the house.  Yes, we drained the well power washing everything in sight.  How can you not get carried away?  Our 10 year old deck looks brandy new!  The vinyl siding is gleaming white and the laundry will not have to get done today because there is no water!  Fine by me...since I was smart enough to shower first.  I win.   We learned a valuable lesson about wells and power washers but boy did we have fun. 

Saturday was spent with the power washer but Sunday was spent cooped up inside due to crap weather.  Around noon I decided that we needed to go for a ride.  Mostly because I thought I might lock the children in the garage if they did not stop running circles around the downstairs trying to out screech one another.  The ride landed us at the Nashua Animal Rescue league.  As we entered the dog area I could tell we were in for a treat.  Now I am going to come off as a animal bigot right now but I do not like pit bull/terriers.  I think this shelter gets A LOT of them since almost every cage was housing a pit bull engaging in ferocious barking, growling, and general discontented behavior...some eating their own shit...sorry to be so graphic.  My son went from excited to terrified in about 30 seconds time.  Bella just looked shocked and horrified.  We perused the kennels half paralyzed in fear till I found one poor dog that looked about as scared as my two children and I tried to give him a little comfort and an affectionate look through the reinforced plexi-glass, but honestly I just wanted to run screaming out of there.

On our way out we spotted the cat room.  I thought that maybe we could correct the trip by taking a nice quiet walk through the cat quarters and seeing all the pretty kitties.  Not two seconds after we get in there my 3 year old starts yelling "It smells GROSS in here!  I think it's gonna make me puke!  WHAT IS THAT BAD SMELL?".  As I ushered him out dodging nasty glares from the adoption workers I start to wonder if we should have stayed home.

So home we are.  In the pouring rain.  Bored and dogless.  But at least we have running water.  Bella sums up our Sunday perfectly below.
No, he doesn't like the smell of cat pee but he still loves me.
*For anyone who LOVES pit bulls...I know there are plenty that are great dogs and I know they have gotten a bad rap.   This particular shelter had quite a few that obviously had not been treated humanly in their entire life.  I think if you don't have children and don't mind living in absolute fear then maybe one of the dogs at this shelter might be the right fit for you.  They are still beautiful animals but if I am being truthful they scare the living hell out of me!

Friday, May 13, 2011

I don't give my baby botox but I do let her eat dandelions in the yard.

We have a slight dandelion situation in my yard.  I offered to pay Noah 5 cents for every dandelion he plucked.  I soon went broke and called off the deal.  Bella on the other hand decided that instead of cashing her dandelions in she would eat them.  Good thing I saw them at the grocery store the other day and now know that someone got so angry at those bastardly things one day that they decided to eat them...and they didn't die.  Now they cost 2.99 a bunch at Market Basket.  I think I just found my work from home job...I will sell dandelion greens.  Not.  I want them poisoned as soon as I have enough money for Scott to come over and do the job.
So when child labor wasn't going to work out I fixed the problem with a good mow.  I LOVE mowing the lawn.  There is something so soothing about the predictability, the back and forth, the instant gratification of your hard work, the smell of cut grass, the sound of a lawnmower drowning out the children's voices so I can just be in my head for awhile.  I really do love my yard.  It is why I live here.  The middle of nowhere.  I could go on and on but I will just show you the fruits of my labor this morning.

We call the granite stones the Jaffe headstone.  I actually had a moment of panic when I asked the previous owner if anyone was buried there and he says  "oh yes, my grandfather."  He was full of shit, but it does look like a gravestone right?
I took such great pleasure mowing down those dandelions.  Sometimes backing up to go over a particularly large cluster.  I know they will be back but for today I won!

This was hysterical.  Till the handle snapped off the wagon.  Game over.  I love when they play together.  It makes it worth all the work of having them close together.  I really hope that they will grow up being close and that Noah will look out for his baby sister.  He does already.  Lets hope that never changes.

He is a superhero you know.  We have gone through the Metroid phase and now he has decided that Spiderman is his character of choice.  Watching him run around the yard with this on all but kills me.  Sometime he forgets he is wearing it and will stop and pick a flower and try to smell it.  Love him.

This one.  There are no words for how it feels when you are running around with a BIG baby on your hip and you start to feel their body soften and their head gets heavy on your shoulder.  I held her for her nap that day. 
Happy Friday.  Have a great weekend.  I will be in the yard.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Fabulous Misses Fox...is a beginning to become an A-hole.

The fox has gone from a mystical and beautiful creature to public enemy number one.  Since the first day I spotted the pups, so adorable and playful on the side of the road ten yards from my front door, they have grown into slightly smaller versions of the mother and father fox but with the vocal restraint of a toddler.  They cry and yelp and moan allllll night long.  It is not a mystical or beautiful noise they make either, it is a painful, horrid cry that is only slightly less annoying then a actual toddler lying in your room at night yelling, crying and carrying on. 

The first night that I heard it I was still enamored with the adorable little pups so I grabbed my husband and a flash light and ran down the street at 10 pm to see if one of them had been hit by a car.  Silly me, because if I had known that this was just the start of their endless night time bellyaching you can bet it would not have been a flashlight I would have grabbed.
Now that the pups are getting bigger mama fox is searching in wider circles to feed those whiny babies. I have spotted her in my back yard at least a half dozen mornings in a row.  This morning she had a stand down with my husband while she stood outside our chicken coop at 5am.   Mama fox was also growling this time...NOT cool.

I can honestly tell you that if she messes with my chickens there will be a quick end.  Lets just say it might mean we will have some foster foxes up here in Wilton, sad but true.  We have done our due diligence to avoid a very unfair death match between a creature with no teeth and useless wings and a ferocious wild animal with sharp teeth and stealthy moves but from what I hear foxes are masterminds when it comes to breaking and entering into a chicken house.  Only time will tell but I can assure you that Bella's baby monitor has a new calling...chicken security system.

Kind of a funny side note, but as it turns out my husband had added The fabulous Mister Fox to our Netflix que.  For those not aware, it is a children's movie about a fox who has a lucrative side job as a chicken bandit..  I sat there the other night with my son who was rooting for Mr. Fox while I secretly rooted for the farmer with the shotgun.  This movie has terrified me.  I am very torn about the whole situation with the foxes.  On the one hand they are a beautiful, adorable part of nature but on the other hand I have these baby chickens that I have bought and brought to this location which is basically like commiting chicken abuse...chicken neglect...chicken torture!! In my defense the chickens were bought a week before we spotted the foxes but I still feel guilty.  I am hoping the fox family finds a new log to live in but as the weeks tick by I highly doubt it.  All the neighbors that have chickens have already taken to stopping in front of my house, laying on their horns and yelling at the fox pups...I can only assume that mama has ravaged their hen house already.  We will just remain vigilant and hope for the best. 

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mothers Day

Mothers Day

A pictorial tribute to all the amazing women we call Great Grandmothers, Grandmothers, and Mothers. 
Mom, Dad and me

Mommy and Noah

Great Grammy and Grampy McLean meeting Noah

Me and my baby boy

Mommy Amanda and cousin Connor
Great Grandma Jaffe

Mom and me

Grammy and Noah

Great Grammy and Grampy Hanna meeting Noah
Grammy Constance
Isabella Shirlene Jaffe's Birthday

Mommy and Bella
Mommy Jen and cousin Carina
Two pasty legs...Like mother like daughter.