Saturday, February 26, 2011

Beautiful and perfect things

Well we are in full pre-party cleaning mode!  I can not stop adding to the list of things that need to get done before Bell's big first birthday bash.  The thing is that I normally get crazy when I am having a lot of company and this is the first time that much of my family is going to see our new house so it is double anxiety.  I am actively scrubbing baseboards, washing doors, sucking up dust bunnies and trying to organize the kids millions of miscellaneous toys that are strewn around under couches, beds, and t.v stands.  It all seems overwhelming but I am glad to do it.  It is not often that you get to have the family together for such fun events and like I said in my previous post we are celebrating everything right!  Last night was the best with hubby home early and a little hungry hippos to top it off.
I can not believe that my little baby girl is going to be one!  It makes me a little sad being that she is "our last".  I am going to miss the little baby days where they smell like I don't know...oatmeal...I know that sounds weird but that is what my husband and I always said when they were babies.  When they are laying in bed beside you so tiny and their breath just smells like warm oatmeal.  I know that I won't miss the endless nights without sleep but the tiny baby sleeping noises, and adorable little onesies, shoes, hats...OK OK pull it together.  I have lots of other things to look forward to...this ones a cutie just take a look!

She has the funniest little faces.  This is the stuff that makes my life awesome!
Tomorrow is a day filled with grocery shopping for the party.  Lots of money to be well spent on the company of my dearest friends and family all coming together to celebrate the one year anniversary of the birth of my little Bell.

I recently found a piece of paper in a book on which I had written the words "Your baby is perfect and healthy".  I had written those words because the doctors had told me that you would not be.  Well baby girl my positive affirmation worked.  You are one of my most beautiful and perfect things.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Noah's birth story (minus the really gritty stuff)

Here goes...birth story number one.  My son Noah was born on a Monday morning at 8:07am on August 20th 2007 at Framingham Union Hospital.  I don't have many pictures of the birthing process since I think I was sufficiently freaked out by every ones horror stories that had been drilled into my head since we announced that we were expecting.  I worked right up till the Friday before he was born at the same hospital that he was born in.  At the time I was a unit secretary at a inpatient geriatric psych ward.  On that Friday morning before he was born I had a trickle of fluid as I was getting in the shower, I didn't know if it was my water breaking or if I had peed on myself because by that time I wouldn't have put it past myself (I was huge, swollen, and my feet looked like balloons.)  I went to work and casually mentioned it to a co-worker who took it upon themselves to notify one of the nurses from my OB office in the cafeteria that day.  Needless to say I got a phone call from the nurse telling me to leave and get my butt to the maternity floor.  Well I didn't because honestly I thought maybe I just peed on myself and that the doctor would laugh at me and think I was a stupid cow.  By Sunday morning though it was still happening so I couldn't deny it anymore.  Into the hospital we went half joking that we would go out to lunch when they sent the hysteric first timer home.  Well they didn't send me home and before I knew it I was gowned up and on the monitor repeating holy shit over and over.  I can remember every detail of that room, the view from the window and the shows on tv for the entire 18 hours of my labor.  I remember looking at the warming table with all the baby blankets and saying to my husband that in just hours OUR baby would be on it!  I won't say the labor was fun but you know what in a way I would do it over and over just to have the high that you get knowing you are very very soon going to hold your little baby.  I labored through the night and by 7 am I was ready to push...the scary part for any first timer, all I could picture was my nether regions tearing completely apart, which they did but hey he was worth it!  I was able to call my mom and she got there just in time to brag with the nurse that they did it au natural (good for them) and to watch her first grandson be born.  He was 8lbs and 20 inches long.  I was truly exhausted and spent the better part of that day in a sleep that my sister and husband still talk about...I would wake up and talk to people and then just fall asleep in the middle of conversations.  When I did wake up though the baby was in the nursery and I had my first moment of mommy panick.  I remember it clear as day and it is a feeling we all get as mommy's once in a while when they have that cry that is more then just a ouchie or they have a fever that just feels too hot.  "WHERE IS MY BABY?!"  My wonderful husband, that guy that became the best daddy in the world that day says "I'll go get him."  I was a mommy.  The end.
Amy and me at my baby shower one week from the day that Noah arrived.  I was as big as a house!

Pa and Noah about 15 minutes after he was born.  I was busily EATING! Good lord I was hungry after 18 hours.

My little boy.
All time favorite.  This was Noah the day we got him home.  He had jaundice so we had to sit him at the slider with his jammies undone.  My little sweetie.

Daddy and Noah catching some zzzz's...Pretty hard to come by with a new babe in the house.

Well Isabella's story will have to wait for another day.  Noah is at preschool and needs to get picked up!  It is amazing how time goes by so fast.  Seems like yesterday.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Till furthur notice celebrate everything.

Breast Cancer.  Those two little ugly words have been a part of my families lives now for the past 3 years.  My son was about 3 months old when my mother called to tell me casually that the other morning she happened to feel a "pretty big lump" under her armpit.  Well the first thing you do is go completely numb and your ears start to ring, and then you start to give the "oh it is probably just a cyst" story even though deep inside you are starting to panick.  Well about three weeks later I got the call while in the middle of whole foods with my son and a carriage full of flax seed and organic food, because I knew today was the day that we were going to get our lives disassembled and rearranged even before the doctor called.  "It's cancer Michelle."  That is all I remember from that conversation.  I can't remember what I did really except that I went to the check out counter and then walked out without a single grocery and had to be chased down by the bagger as I tried to remember how to buckle a baby into a carseat.  I drove to my mothers house and I started to clean.  I cleaned for about 3-4 hours straight while the family started to show up.  I didn't know what the hell else to do.  I couldn't make the cancer go away but at least I could make the house look nice for all the company that was showing up.  The real kicker was that she hadn't even told my dad yet.  He had gone to the cape to get their boat out of the water being that it was late October.  I can still remember watching him get out of the truck that day and wanting him to stay outside so that his life could stay perfect for another 30 seconds.
Well that was three years ago and mom has beat the cancer for now but you can't help but remember that it was there and could always decide it wants to fuck everything up again.  I think that besides tear down a person that you love, cancer also tears down the family of that person.  You can not do a thing to make it go away, feel better, or in general make it any less shitty.  You are helpless, exhausted and trying to stay POSITIVE in the face of something so negative.  You worry about the what ifs...what if she dies, what if I get breast cancer, what if this, what if that...It consumes your life for a while and then it just sits in the background taunting you after the initial shock and pain wear off.  For the rest of my life I will be afraid.  I will try to remain positive but I can't help but let my head slip into the darkness once in a while when she calls to tell me that her neck hurts, or she has been nauseous for a couple of days.  I will try to not let my fear of getting cancer affect my life as much as it sometimes does, but when I catch myself afraid of touching my own breast in fear that I might stumble upon a lump I know that it is still there.  My rose colored glasses have been replaced with pink ribbons and Save the ta tas bumper stickers and life as I knew it is over. 
For now everyone is healthy and we can only hope that it stays that way.  Life is short and until further notice we should celebrate everything.
Dad, me and mom October 2006.  One year before diagnosis
The day they took out the cancer...the beginning of the long journey.

Cancer free at Noah's first birthday.  August 2008

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Cleaning...not today!

Today is a beautiful day!  50 degrees in March I will take it!  My poor husband is sick so I will play perfect housewife and make chicken soup while he is at work.  Ordinarily I think that I hold my own when it comes to domestic duties. I always have a pretty clean house, on the surface maybe but still no one would call it dirty. The laundry is always done, even if it takes a while to make it to the drawer, and the kids are clean, well most of the time.  I guess the area that needs work is the fact that it is not a natural thing for me.  I HATE cleaning so it takes a bigger toll on me then someone that would be glad to do it.  That is why I think sometimes I am a little grumpier then I would like.  I wish I was one of the moms that could care less if the house is clean or if the kids have a bath every single night (because they don't really need one) but if anything is out of order I feel like I am failing at my job.  Since I don't work there is no excuse that these things are not done and done well.  I try my damndest to make a healthy dinner, clean the kids rooms, vacuum and dust everyday but ohhhhhh how much happier I would be if I could just let it go and relax.  I think that since I have tackled my smoking (2 months smoke free) that learning to relax is next on the list. 
Well Noah is at school now so that means me and my girl get to play with her dolly and practice our walking (she is getting pretty good.) Today will be a good one and I won't care if the kitchen floor isn't swept, I have more important things to do like paint my little peanuts toes for the first time. :)

This was what I turned to see while I made dinner last night.  This is what makes mamas happy.

I could spend all day looking at this sweet little girl.  She cracks me up.

Getting away with touching her brothers toys while he is at school.  Don't worry Bell I won't show him this.

She really loves to push the limits.  She turns to me like "ya ya I know you said get down but ummmm NO!"

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I want it done YESTERDAY!

Instant gratification.  This is something that has stopped me from completing almost everything that I have ever started.  I guess the best example of this is painting my son and daughters bedrooms.  I have all the best intentions when I start a project, I buy the painters tape, drop cloth, and Spackle with a grand notion of painting better then the pros.  Well as soon as I get up in that room with the can of paint all hell breaks loose and no sooner does the cap come off that I am well on my way to painting over every hole (who the hell needs Spackle anyway), dried dead bug, and bugger that the little darlings wipe on the wall.  I think this is why I have a hard time with hobbies.  Every time you tell someone that you are bored they tell you to get a hobby.  Well for someone that needs everything that I do to be done yesterday that is a real humdinger.  Unless I can make a quilt in 45 minutes (which is about my attention span) then forget it.  Well the reason for this rant is the following, RSVPing.
I have been planning my daughters first birthday for the past couple of weeks.  This grand event is planned for Saturday March 5 and invites were sent out in January.  Out of about 15 people only 3 have told me whether they plan on attending or not.  Now I know there is still time but that's when that pesky instant gratification thing comes in.  I myself am usually the first to RSVP as well as ask to help and arrive first to lend a hand if needed.  It just irks the hell out of me that most people are so inconsiderate as to make you plan on their attendance until 2 days before bailing out.  Like I really want 20 extra party hats and favors laying around after the event for the could of been guests.  Ohhhh and I also made it as easy as sending a e-mail.  I mean I kinda can understand not wanting to call to say you aren't coming (a little awkward I guess) but to just type out a little note and send it over the web, what the hell could be easier.  Whatever I just had to get that out of my system.
My Valentine Noah, so proud with his valentine he made at school.

The mixbook of family photos I made for hubby
What it looks like inside.  I was so pleased with the quality.
On another note Valentines day was yesterday and my little Noah made me a valentine (melt).  He was so excited to give it to me after school that he nearly ripped it getting it out of his backpack, he must have that instant gratification thing too!  Oh and my coffee table book of our personal pictures from www.mixbook .com came and holy cow was I happy.  It was better then I could have imagined.  Hubby loved it and it is something that I can keep forever which is great.  I love pictures, I am that person who will gladly come to your house and look at all your photo albums happily even if I don't know a soul in there.  There is just something so magical about pictures.
God Lord I love this kid!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

They are baaaackkkkk!

Well the kids are now home from their weekend at Grammy's and we are settling back in to our routine.  They both came home with a tad to much sugar in their systems so we have a little bit of pent up energy to get out before they hit the sheets. 
Big news for this week though is Bella has started to walk without the help of her little push lion!  This is great especially since we are worried about the sacral dimple and a possible tethered spinal cord.  Walking is a pretty good indicator that she is just fine and might just have a crooked little bum bum :)  Here is a video we took of her first trip across the kitchen floor!  (try to block out the obnoxious mama and dada in the background.)
On another note the hubs and I have completed this years taxes phewwww.  This year between living in Virginia working in Massachusetts and then buying our first house and moving to New Hampshire our taxes were a disaster and nothing that I would have even attempted to try to figure out on our own.  Granted I think 400.00 for a hours worth of work is a little ridiculous to say the least, I am just glad it is done!  Now we have a little extra cash to dump into this ancient house of OURS.  First thing getting replaced, the rotten skylights on the second floor that haven't been replaced since 1988!
Soooo anyways not much else for tonight but plenty in the near future about RSVPing or should I say the lack there of nowadays!  Time for beddy bye...night night.
Are we sick of the winter yet?????????  Sure enough!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

From the mouths of babes.

This weekend is one I have been looking forward to for quite some time!  The hubs and I are kid free for a night and the following day so there is a night of taxes, romantic dinner, and uninterrupted sleep in store for us.  These little nights alone are sooo needed.  Sometimes just one night out for drinks or dinner alone with Dov is enough to reignite some passion in the relationship.  After 10 years of being together and much of that living together it can be a challenge to not look at each other as roommates sometimes, especially when you add kids to the mix.  I mean sometimes I will wait for him all day to get home just to have a adult to talk to but then disappear to my bedroom just to have a hour or two that doesn't require getting someone juice or hugging a screaming child who just slipped and fell on a toy that THEY left on the floor. 
On to another thing, Noah has been out of school at least 2 days a week which leaves a HUGE amount of time to bully his sister and demand Thomas reruns on the netflix which resulted in a emergency trip to Micheals for some crafts and activities.  Well all was going swimmingly till we got to the Valentines display and there was a women with her teenage daughter in a wheelchair.  My son in a voice loud enough for the whole store to hear says "hey mom look at that girl, she has a HANDICAP."  Now I know this was just a innocent statement and from the look of the other mom she didn't seem to take offense but I literally could feel my blood pressure screaming up the charts.  It was all I could do not to clasp my hands over that little mouth of his.  Oh out of the mouths of babes I guess.  These are the reasons I need a night out!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Parental curse=GUILT

Lately I have been struggling with trying to divide my attention between my two kiddos.  Isabella is at the stage where she pretty much needs constant monitoring so that she doesn't swallow one of Noah's toys, play in the toilet, or fall down the stairs.  Noah is at a stage where he can entertain himself with trains or video games, coloring etc.  I have so much guilt that he is not getting nearly as much attention as my daughter.  The saddest thing is that it is so much easier to snap at him for any little thing while he watches his sister get away with bloody murder.  No one ever tells you that when you become a parent you will have such feelings of guilt...I mean sometimes it is overwhelming.  When I was pregnant with my second I remember thinking about how wonderful having the two would be and how Bell would be cooing on a blanket and Noah and me reading a story, well that was just plain delusional thinking.  More often then not I am screaming at Noah because for some reason the baby is crying and I can only imagine that he has hit, pinched, or taken a toy away from her while I try to get dinner ready.  Being a mom has it's ups and downs like anything else and sometimes just letting go of the rules for the night letting the kids eat whatever the hell they want HOWEVER they want, putting on Thomas tattoos, making goofy faces and dancing around to terrible music is what you need to put it all back into perspective.  STOP, RELAX, PLAY-Let them be little.
Bell eating her vanilla custard all by herself!  Didn't she do a good job!

Noah doing his "funny face"
Dancing around showing off his new tattoo!

dancing fool

Friday, February 4, 2011

Anybody know of any 30 + playgroups out there?

I guess there is no real good way to say this but I SUCK at meeting people.  I get super nervous that I will say something wrong or maybe swear to much for their liking or one of like eight thousand other faux pas.  The real trouble with this is my husband has the same problem.  I mean what two people can move away for a year and only meet one person (who by the way I thought sucked) the whole time.
I could go on and blame it on the kids and being stuck in the house with them blah blah but the truth of the matter is I just hate getting to know people.  I am the type of girl that likes to cut the small talk and get down to the dirty dirty right off the bat.  I always say when Noah goes to school then I will meet someone or when the weather gets nice I can meet someone at the park but ya know what...I usually am the mom that sits farthest from the rest of the group and tries my damnedest not to make direct eye contact, probably cause my kid just whacked their kid over the head but still.  This is something that I need to work on but it is just a little more difficult when you are thirty saying "will you be my friend?" and not three.
On a lighter note my new couch is coming tomorrow YEEHAA!  Just in time for me to sleep thru the super bowl cause god knows I don't have any friends coming over.  That GD snowstorm that they are predicting better back the F off if it knows what is good for it.  Nothing is stopping my couch delivery neither hell or high snow!
My one and only bestie!! Amy at Noah beans first birthday.  From the looks of it someone is showing off their new bling!  Can't believe this was two years ago!  Reminds me that someone has anniversary coming up :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Target Obsession

Well I don't know about any of you other mamma's out there but I think I have a serious unhealthy addiction to Target.  I swear whoever designed that store must understand women very well.  First off they have it nailed in the baby department, I can get anything there necessities down to baby leg warmers.  Then we are off to the women's department where I can scavenge through the clearance items for a couple Isaac Mizrahi gems.  I find myself there whenever there is a lack of something better to do and sadly sometimes when there is.  The way I knew there was a problem was that the other night while me and hubby were out having a couple drinks at a local bar I kept staring longingly out the window across the street to the bright red lights of the Target.  It took all I had in me not to ask if we could just go walk around for a bit.  Well enough of that, I am just nervous that now they tell me that they will be stocking produce!  Uh oh,  if I can claim I am grocery shopping then I am in real trouble.  The upside I guess is that I might be able to lose this baby weight finally if I spend all my grocery money on flip flops, clearance sweaters, and carters onesies!

Well I am gonna enjoy my glass of wine now and hopefully convince my son and husband to turn off Metroid so I can watch Chronicle. (God how lame have I gotten in my old age)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Snowed in AGAIN!!!!

So here we are stuck in the house while we get pummeled with another 20 inches of snow.  I have run out of activities for the kids and so I will let Netflix take over and pray for long naps.  Here is a shot of my hubby and son during last weeks storm. Note the cast on Noah's leg...I will get to that.

So the husband and son were horsing around on the bed one night while I talked with my mom on the phone.  I am unclear on the specifics but in the end I wound up in the doctors office with a very upset little boy, a grumpy daughter and a doctor that thought it was fine but sent me to get x-rays anyways.  Welp guess what, broken.  So I was not so crazy for thinking something bigger then three year old drama was going on.  Noah made out like a king for 4 weeks while daddy worked out the guilt. I was just glad kids are so resilient, after about a hour Noah walked with his cast like he was born with it!  It has since come off and thank god for that.  No more trashbag tubbies or hobbling into stores carrying both kids.  Here are a few shots of my little trooper.

On another note I have been thinking alot about going back to work, or maybe school.  I did go to nursing school for two years and have always regretted not finishing.  Not because I want to be a nurse but it was a time in my life that I could of done and finished anything and I chose not to.  To this day I am not really clear on the reason I didn't finish, I was not married and had no children, I guess I was just lazy.  Well let me tell ya not anymore.  These kids have me itching to get out of the house and do something other then clean, cook, and read Thomas the tank engine eighty times a day.  I am going to start to think alot more about what it is that I really want to do...maybe something in the science field.  I really would love to work in genetic counseling but just have to find out how to start.  Well the kids are going to need lunch soon and I still haven't cleaned up from breakfast so I better get going on the domestic duties.  Hope to be back soon!