Well that was three years ago and mom has beat the cancer for now but you can't help but remember that it was there and could always decide it wants to fuck everything up again. I think that besides tear down a person that you love, cancer also tears down the family of that person. You can not do a thing to make it go away, feel better, or in general make it any less shitty. You are helpless, exhausted and trying to stay POSITIVE in the face of something so negative. You worry about the what ifs...what if she dies, what if I get breast cancer, what if this, what if that...It consumes your life for a while and then it just sits in the background taunting you after the initial shock and pain wear off. For the rest of my life I will be afraid. I will try to remain positive but I can't help but let my head slip into the darkness once in a while when she calls to tell me that her neck hurts, or she has been nauseous for a couple of days. I will try to not let my fear of getting cancer affect my life as much as it sometimes does, but when I catch myself afraid of touching my own breast in fear that I might stumble upon a lump I know that it is still there. My rose colored glasses have been replaced with pink ribbons and Save the ta tas bumper stickers and life as I knew it is over.
For now everyone is healthy and we can only hope that it stays that way. Life is short and until further notice we should celebrate everything.
|Dad, me and mom October 2006. One year before diagnosis|