Sunday, November 14, 2010

Letting it out.

Well this is a first for me but as a SAHM with little to no friends nearby it seems like something that will make me feel connected to the world.  I have two wonderful children Noah and Isabella.  Noah is a 3 year old that some days makes me want to stick my head in the oven and Isabella is 8 months and just at that pinchable cheek age.  My husband and I just recently moved to New Hampshire after living in Virginia for a year and a half.  I didn't really get to know anyone while we were living in Va. because as soon as we got there I found out I was pregnant with my daughter and  8 weeks later was thrushed into the world of a high risk pregnancy.  Now I know a lot of women have dealt with much worse but I guess I am a huge baby and this really through me for a loop.  I don't think I have cried more in my life.  At my 13 week Nuchal Translucency ultrasound the doctor informed me that A) I was having a baby girl YIPEE and  B) that her NT was too large at 3.6mm and that this usually is a sign that the baby has Downs Syndrome.  I drove home in a fog that really didn't lift for the remainder of the pregnancy.  I had a CVS that came back all clear of chromosome disorders but I just couldn't let the fear go.  I spent my second and last pregnancy a total and complete wreck and about 900 miles away from any family or friends.  I had numerous tests and ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy and none of them could give me the peace of mind back.  I also felt like I just didn't get the support from my friends or family that I needed.  Let me take that back my husband was so incredible and I don't think I could have lived through it without him...yes there were times when the anxiety made me want to kill myself.  I would get so worked up crying that I could not breath and just did not want to deal with it anymore.  Now as you can tell I am still dealing with the PTSD of this experience and I just have not met one person who I can relate to and I feel really alone with it.  My daughter was born on March 3 2010 and is me anyway.  She does have a large birthmark on her forehead, nose and over her left eye but after all the things they told me could be wrong I think that this is small potatoes but it doesn't stop insensitive ignorant people from noticing and pointing it out everytime I am out with her.  Well anyhow I am hoping that writing about my experiences will help me in some way to sort through them and let them go so that I can really start enjoying my baby and not reliving the horrendous nine months prior to her beautiful arrival. 

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