Monday, June 6, 2011

Black bears like swing sets...who knew?

Really.  Need I say more.  Probably not but I will.  Many of you have seen these pictures on Facebook already but here is the whole story.
Monday morning.  The kids are acting all kinds of ridiculous so I let them outside to play on the swingset and ride bikes for awhile  so I can mess with my dying pansies and water the grass we recently planted.  Now mind you they are on the swing set that is right along the edge of the yard and I am approximately 30 yards away in the front side yard.  Still within sight but not within saving them from a bear attack.  Luckily they got thirsty because I have children that are CONSTANTLY thirsty. Really, they could drain a quarry with their unending thirst but I digress.  I load them all into the house and water them for the hundredth time this particular morning.  While they are quenching that insatiable thirst I get on the computer to see what all you little darlings are up too.  That is when I saw what I thought was my macular degeneration acting up again.  A large black moving object wandering around the swing set. 
I know, I know, we live in the country and I should expect to see wildlife but come the hell on!  When you see a black bear in your yard, getting ready to inspect your child's slide you literally FREAK OUT!  I start yelling, "EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE NOW NOW...GET THE FUCK IN THE HOUSE...STAY AWAY FROM THE WINDOW...GET UPSTAIRS!!!!"  My poor Noah is looking at me going, "Mom, we are in the house."  It was crazy.  I did manage to somehow pull it together and decided that maybe I should risk my life for the sake of blogging.  Yes I went out and took pictures.  It doesn't matter that the whole time I chanted, "holy fucking shitballs, holy fucking shitballs," over and over while the bear looked at me like I was a complete ass.  Complete with his head cocked to the side like "whatever chick...get it together will ya?"
Needless to say we spent the rest of the day quarantined in the house with our mugs plastered to the glass.  I called the police and they basically gave me the live in the woods dumb ass, surrounded by 900 acres of state forest so basically you are in their yard...DEAL WITH IT speech.  They did give me some tips like: 
  1. If you are in the yard making noise they will avoid you.
  2. Clean your grill
  3. Make sure your trash is secure
By the time Dov got home I was feeling quite cocky and kind of like a bear expert.  As he exits his car I come out growling like a jerk off just to be funny.  Well didn't the mood change when Daddy bear comes charging out of the woods about 10 feet from where I was standing.  Long story short I am a huge pussy and ran screaming like a bitch into the house.  Two girls that obviously grew up in this neck of the woods walk by at the same time that I am cleaning up the mess in my pants and say, "what a beautiful creature."  Um yeah I guess?  If this keeps happening I will have ALOT more laundry to do around here.

1 comment:

  1. You are hilarious...I love your blog! :)

    Erin Hammill (Conway) ;)