Monday, August 8, 2011

Is this the beach or hell on earth?

The countdown for my girls weekend getaway has begun.  So desperate was I to get away from my children that we choose a island that we will row ourselves to and dock the boat so that even if they found us they can NOT get across. If you think this sounds terrible and not motherly at all then you do not have children and you regularly get to go to the beach in the summer with your little beach bag containing a book and some SPF. I say YOU SUCK.  Till you have packed and lugged a whole family to go to the beach you have NO CLUE what a total pain in the ass it is.  There have been beautiful days that I have had nothing to do and going to the beach would seem like a great option but I won't go because just thinking about the amount of crap that I would have to pack makes me want to take a 4 hour nap.

Lets see where do I start.  First there must be copious amounts of food.  I mean a LARGE cooler full of snacks, sandwiches, drinks (adult and child beverages).  Then a bag of dry goods that will contain chips, goldfish, and things of this nature.  Also the bag of towels which will need to be doubled up because the children will soak each one and spill food on all the others before the day is over.  The diaper bag which must contain regular diapers, swim diapers, and at least a weeks worth of clothing...don't forget the SPF 50 that you will be applying and reapplying ALL DAY LONG.  So if you thought you might be lucky enough to catch a tan during all of this fun forget it because you ALSO will be covered in SPF 50.  Now the toys...because sand and ocean are not nearly enough for today's youngsters.  There will probably be buckets and shovels and trucks and so forth all of which are awkward to fit into a bag so you might as well bring the kiddos BIG giant green wagon to pull it all in.  Oh and don't forget the umbrella because in your exhausted delirious state you will think that maybe one of the monsters will take a nap on the beach...keep dreaming home slice...NOT going to happen.  Unless the child is less then 6 months old they will be awake, unnapped, and up your butt the whole day.  Now if you have managed to remember to put your own bathing suit on by the end of this you are doing good.

Looks like fun huh?  More like prison to me.

Therefore I am PUMPED to be leaving with my little overnight bag and a good book for 2 days of uninterrupted laying on the beach.  No worrying if Noah is drowning or begging my daughter to stop rubbing sand in her eyes.  No 4 year olds that NEVER LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY, no yelling, crying, fighting or tantrums to contend with just sweet sweet silence interjected with vodka and Merlot.  I will swear loudly and a lot and no little voice will hear and repeat, I will wear a SPF that's lower then 50 and hopefully my hair will start growing back in.  Can't wait.  Friday can't get here fast enough!
Sometimes we all get lucky right?

Try to always go to the beach with someone else that has children because otherwise jealousy will consume you.

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