Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Said it once say it a thousand times

For anyone that reads this blog it is no secret that my daughters pregnancy was rough to say the least.  You can read it HERE if you have not already.  In my most scared, terrified moments I would go to one of the last places I ever thought I would go, Babycenter.  Why would I not want to visit a website solely dedicated to pregnancy and children?  Because it would remind me of how abnormal my pregnancy was every time I would log in and see another stupid update in my birth month club about whether to name the baby Bethany or Jasmine, or if the slice of deli meat they ate that day was going to do irreparable harm to their unborn child.  All of these women were so excited and thinking about all the fun, carefree stuff that you should be thinking about during your second trimester and I was waiting on CVS results and fetal echos, micro arrays, and level II ultrasounds.  I just wanted to scream and smash my computer when someone would complain that they wanted a boy and they just found out it was a girl.  I mean didn't they know that they were lucky that nobody found anything "wrong" with their baby?  Couldn't they just be happy that they didn't have to sit around feeling a baby move inside of them that they just COULD NOT BOND with due to all anxiety caused by the prenatal testing?
Luckily for me I found several boards on Babycenter that were full of moms that were traveling the same crappy road that I was on.  All of us for different reasons but all of us had the same fears and anxieties, and I am a firm believer that as awful as it sounds, misery DOES love company.  I got endless comfort from these women's kind words and encouragement. They let me believe that even in the most tear filled, breathless, terrified moment  that I could get through this.  Reading those posts was just about the only time that I would feel as if things could possibly work out OK.  I never forgot about all those Moms and moms-to-be and the day that Isabella was born I made sure to return to that board and post MY story so that someone else could find comfort and maybe a moment of optimism in one of their darkest times.  When I found that I was returning to that board often, sharing any information or wisdom that I had gathered during my pregnancy I decided to start a board of my own.  One just for mothers that were given the same prenatal diagnosis of a elevated Nuchal translucency.  I really can't explain how much I feel for these moms.  It may seem like wallowing or reliving a horrible moment to some people but I find that it is the most grounding thing.  It is very easy during a rough patch in life to say things like, "If this works out fine then I will be a better person" and as soon as things are looking up you are right back to bitching about the weather and the laundry.  Every time I go onto that board and read another post from a mom who has just received the devastating news that something could be wrong with their baby I am reminded of how fortunate I am.  I am reminded that before this I was very ignorant and foolish to think that "these" things only happened to "other" people .  Even the fact that I had a sibling born with Spina Bifida wasn't enough for me to realize that pregnancy doesn't always go picture perfect.  When you find out that you are pregnant you give up the right to have control over what is in store for you.  Whether you will have a boy or a girl, brown hair or red hair, colicky or quiet, brain surgeon or taxi driver, 46 or 47 chromosomes.  There is so much to be grateful for every single day and as much as I like to think that I bring them some hope on one of their hardest days it is actually them that give me a strong consciousness about life and what really matters and I can assure you deli meat is not the end of the world. 
In the moment that I laid eyes on that little girl it wouldn't have mattered if something was "wrong".  It was like all the anxiety turned to love and boy let me tell you, that was a whole lotta love baby.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for linking to your pregnancy and birth story, Michelle. I read it in it's emotional entirety. It's so so good of you to be there for women in a similar situation, as a positive light.

    When I had my first ultrasound for viability I found out I was pregnant with twins, however, they immediately informed me that they were concerned about twin to twin transfusion syndrome - which has a high death/failure to thrive rate for one or both fetus. It was terrifying. A few weeks and many doctors and specialist later, they did find the separation they were looking for and it was fine, but those weeks were hellish.