Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Power outages are not for pussies.

Thank God for iPhone.  That is all I will say.  It became the only latch I had on the outside world after Saturday nights snow storm that dropped 18 inches in my yard.  We lost power at 7:30pm on Saturday evening and got it back at around 8:30 last night.  Nothing near the eleven electricity free days that I had been warned that the ice storm of 2008 created here in NH but still enough to make me smell like a monkey's ass and want to do sexual favors for PSNH line men.

Now here is the situation.  I have a well.  No town water or sewer for me.  We have broached this topic once before here.  This means that not only do your lights go out, your heat ceases to work, and you have no water. No water for showers, or dishes, or brushing your teeth or FLUSHING YOUR TOILET.  The toilet really does not concern you the first day without power but around the third day you were hard pressed to get me into that bathroom.  Yeah...that bad.

Now for all you survivalist that are about to tell me, Ya so why not melt snow?  I say screw you and the horse you rode in on.  Melting snow is like counting grains of sand.  You need about a truck load of that s*&t to make about 3 cups of water.  No joke.  I have now spent the better part of a day melting snow.  I am a expert.    So you are getting the picture right?  Two kids, no baths, no t.v., no lights, no way of doing dishes.  The sink gets fuller the house gets smellier and you start taking trips out to buy things like dry shampoo.  If you are not familiar with this product, it is a hairspray type thing that is supposed to dry the grease out of your hair and make it smell less like, for lack of a better word, dirty head.  Yeah dirty head is worse then dirty ass if you ask me.  This only works one time.  Then your hair just smells like dirty head and hairspray. Gross.

I was really good.  I stayed till Monday around 4 pm. And then I hightailed it to my parents house and took a hour long shower and turned on every single electric appliance they owned and said a prayer of thanks to Thomas Edison.

So here are a few things I learned from my first major power outage up here in NH.

1) Calling the electric company incessantly, reporting emergencies that are not actually emergencies will NOT get them to fix it sooner.

2) Melting snow is futile.

3) Whores baths are not sufficient enough to create that fresh and clean feeling.

4) You will go a little mental at certain times during the second day of the outage and try to plug your straight iron in.  Yes that happened.

5) You will contemplate setting a telephone pole on fire just to get a truck with flashing lights to park in front of your house, creating the illusion of progress.

6) Facebook is addicting.  Withdrawal starts immediately.

7) You will love your friends that are in the same boat a little more.  Misery loves company. (When you allow somebody into your house and your toilet is looking like a crime scene there is a level of comfort that is reached instantly.)

8)The sight of flashing yellow lights on top of white trucks is better then any sex you have ever had.  EVER.

9) You will decide that camping is best done outside of your home.

10)You will be eternally grateful for electricity.

*I promise to never take you for granted again my dear sweet beautiful electricity.  You had me at hot shower and wireless Internet.

No comments:

Post a Comment