Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Dog shit, Chicken shit, Baby shit.

This week I get to have the house, kids, chickens, dog, wood stove, snow removal, trash removal, and nightly meltdowns all to myself.  Yes, Dov is away for work and I get to captain the ship solo.  Not that Dov is on vacation or anything...but he might as well be as far as I am concerned.  I would do just about anything if I got to do it alone. I  just need to get away from this damn house!  How could it be any worse then the chores that need to be done here with the two leeches hanging off me.

For example, Sunday the day Dov left, I had my parents here.  While we were meandering around the yard I happened to notice that there was a exponential amount of dog crap in the yard.  Guess I haven't been keeping up with that part of dog ownership?  Well it didn't bother me till I had guests jumping over dog bombs all over the yard like a mine field.  So out to the yard I went with the shovel and bucket in hand.  Now the two children are out there as well, surrounded by power wheels, swing sets, tire swings and bikes but what are they doing??? shadowing me and stepping in every single dog shit I miss.  Into the house we go clean dog crap off shoes.  FML.

Now that the yard is all cleaned up for Tahoe to move his bowels in again, I head over to the chicken coop to get killed by my Rooster (yes the children follow me here as well).  Now the chicken maintenance is minimal at best in the summertime but in the winter, if you are a cheapo like me who won't splurge 50 bucks for a heated water dispenser, you will need to change out the frozen chicken water throughout the day.  No big deal if you are not deathly afraid of getting your face pecked off by a jacked up Rooster.  This exercise in overcoming extreme fear has been going on for a week now...tonight it seems we have found common ground.

I headed in to get the water and check for eggs around 4:30 this evening.  All the hens were lined up sweetly in their poop covered laying boxes dozing peacefully and there on top of all the roosting boxes was him, and by "him" I mean the assbag rooster.  Stalking back and forth, stopping to periodically lift his talons and pretend he was going to launch into my face.  Below him, on the coop floor lied one egg.  I then had to work up the courage to bend over, rendering myself helpless prey, and pick up this egg.  HE LET ME DO IT!!! HE DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO KILL ME!  I think we have had a breakthrough.  I know he wanted me to leave it  there because if I did he would eat the thing.  That is how gross he is.  He eats his own fetuses.  Gross right?

Anywho...there is all the animal stuff and then the day to day crap with the kids.  Probably worse then the dog and the chickens combined.  Kidding...I think?  We are all plain sick of each other and getting testy.  Bedtime just keeps getting earlier and earlier.  Pretty soon they will be tucked in before dinner, saving me that Goddamn horrible job.  DINNER TIME SUCKS WITH KIDS.  Sorry it does.  No matter what friggin awesome thing you slave over, they will not eat it.  They will tell you it is gross, nasty, and that they want mac and cheese.  You will end up shoveling all that hard work into the trash 20 minutes after it leaves the pan.

Okay and it is supposed to snow tomorrow.  Here in the Nashua area we are going to get "some" accumulation...most likely just enough to make getting wood for the wood burning stove really annoying.  Yes the "wood stove" that we are heating our entire house with.  So this is a full time job in and of itself.  I have to keep that thing cranking if I don't want us to all freeze to death.  So here I am holding my eyes open with toothpicks at 11:30pm waiting to stock that beast for the night.  Oh because if you do it earlier the stove goes out while you are sleeping and your pipes responsibility there right?

Moral of the story...I will be covered in at least three different species shit by the time Dov gets home.
Human, chicken, and dog.  I am sure he will be so glad to see me!

We are all still alive.  That is all that matters.

1 comment:

  1. I only laughed at your dinner comments because they are so flippin' true.