Friday, February 10, 2012

Things kids say...and do.

I am entitling this post "The things kids say...and do" simply because today was a real winner.  I decided fairly early in the morning that I wanted to venture out of our cave and enjoy some human interaction (i.e. shopping).  Lets not get things twisted, I knew it would blow but I just could not stay put for another second.

To kick the day off my son went up to get dressed.  About four hours later he appears in front of me wearing what I presume to be his coming home from the hospital outfit.  I swear the kid was wearing a size 3 months...not actually but at least a 24 month and he is in a 4-5T.  This is what I like to call a "motherhood failure".  He is in these clothes because of my shitty mothering.  I F-ing hate to clean out their drawers and closets.  It is AWFUL.  First off,  you are throwing clothes that you bought two months ago into garbage bags and lastly because who wants to get rid of the cute little things they wore when they were cuddly babies?

So anyways once I have both the little lovelies dressed appropriately we venture off to Nashua so that I can get my Christmas Tree Shoppe fix.  I know the whole way there that I am going to spend the entire shopping trip in a anxiety ridden state, trying to keep both the children semi-quiet and behaved.  I knew I would not be let down in the embarrassment department.

Well Bella never ceases to amaze me with her rotten shopping cart behavior.  She WILL NOT SIT IN THE FRONT PART OF THE CARRIAGE.  Let me say that again...WILL NOT.  What usually occurs is some sort of WW III battle of wills.  I try to get her two writhing legs jammed into the damn leg holes while she screams as if I am tearing her limbs off...which technically at that point I kind of am.  Then it concludes with me sweating and exhausted throwing her into the large part of the carriage as she grunts her approval.  Oh and while this is going on Noah is dashing in and out of the electric doors and all the cashiers and patrons have on their ugly judgmental faces.  Whatever.  I just drove 45 minutes and I AM HERE BITCHES now get out of my way!

Bella and Noah fight over who will SLAM the items I want to purchase into the carriage and several times Bella breaks into hysterics because she is hot (even though we already took off her jacket) and because Noah has bashed her in the head with a giant dog bone.  Old ladies come over and try to make things better by asking my sobbing, cranky, irrational daughter how old she is.  Like that has ever worked.  All it does in Bella's case is piss her off even more and make her want to be held since "old lady" is scary and has lipstick all over her teeth.  Noah on the other hand thinks that they are instant best friends and wants to share intimate details about our life.  Yup, mad dash away from the Ye do gooder.

Now I have made it through CTS and want to head over to Babies R Us which is located directly next door.    I don't even bother getting another carriage (cause you remember how that goes) I just walk in with the CTS carriage with Bella still sitting in the front.  Now I HATE Babies R Us but I needed diapers.  I had not been in the store for 30 seconds when some employee comes up to me and asks if I could please put my daughter in the front of the carriage.  HAHAHAHAHAHA NO.  Nope I will not.  Thank you for your concern but I obviously value my sanity over my daughters well being.  Seriously I JUST WANTED SOME OVERPRICED Babies R Us diapers.  Not a lesson in how a child should ride in a carriage.  Do you think I don't realize how my two year old should be sitting in the carriage? Do you think I can't see the little step by step drawings on the seat?  Do you think I somehow don't realize that she could fall and bust her head?  Bitch I know ALL of that AND THEN SOME.  I just choose to forgo a afternoon migraine and the awkward stares I would receive while my daughter loses her shit for the entire shopping trip.  Not only that but when she sits in the front of the carriage she unbuckles herself and climbs out of the damn thing!! Which is about 1000 times more dangerous then having her sit in the big part.

People. Can't live with em, can't punch them in the mouth.

After that nice awkward exchange we are standing in the checkout line when Noah decides that he wants to have a staring contest with the woman standing behind us.  He carefully explains all the rules of a staring competition to this poor lady who just wants to buy her nipple ointment in peace, and then he starts the game.  Now I am so glad that he is standing still that I don't even bother to tell him that it is inappropriate to engage strangers in games of staring into each others souls.   And then Noah blinks.  The lady says, "I win!" and Noah goes ballistic.  Denying that he blinked, trying to convince her that she blinked first etc.  Boy was I glad to get the hell out of there.

There were a few more stops before we managed to get home.  Each had their own crappy moments but we eventually did get home.  In one piece.  Alive.  Therefore I call it a successful day!  When I notified Noah that I was NOT cooking tonight and that Dad was going to bring home pizza he looks at me and says, "Well Mom, Pizza has a lot of fat in it.  Sooooooo if you eat it your going to have to do A LOT of Zumba.  But make sure you do Zumba while I am at school okay?"  Kids, gotta love em.


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