Monday, June 4, 2012

I think I might have a problem. Nope. I definitely do.

It is no secret that I love thrift.  Second hand?  Sure.  Yard sales?  Bring it.  Free trash treasure on the side of the road?  Yes sir!  Flea markets?  Couldn't think of a better way to spend a Sunday.  I have no issue whatsoever admitting that I am cheap.  Hell, I don't even think of it as cheap...I fancy myself smarter then the average bear!  Until it comes to several items.  This list will contain some of the things I keep buying cheaply and over and over again.  They always disappoint in some massive, catastrophic way and therefore lead to gigantic arguments when husband discovers that, yet again, I have bought dollar store deodorant, or god forbid...trash bags.

I will begin with trash bags.  Every time I go to the dollar tree I have memory loss when I reach the trash bags. Each trip I take I inevitably leave with a box.  The lesson in what gargantuan pieces of shit they are was learned when we lived in our first 3rd floor walk up.  To be perfectly honest, Dov discovered how useless they were.  I would just pretend not to hear the string of expletives echoing up the stairwell when 5 times out of 10 the bag would bust open half way down and he would end up cleaning nasty garbage off the already questionable stairs.  To this day I still buy them.  Now I claim they are for the bathroom trash containers only...cause how heavy can tampon applicators and empty toilet paper rolls be?  Whelp, 4 times out of 10...heavy enough to break the dollar store trash bag.

Next is pillows.  I CAN NOT spend money on pillows!  The last pillows I bought where from Big Lots.  They cost 2.99 ea.  When I brought them home my husband berated me the entire night.  It did not make it any better when I asked for his assistance putting the pillowcases on and he pulled off a sticker that said. "PROTECT YOUR INVESTMENT. USE A PILLOW PROTECTOR."  It was a 12.00 investment for 4 pillows, which is a hell of a lot more then I spend on most household items.  I was ALL for the pillow protector (which I believe was 1.99).  Boy am I glad Dov talked me out of them because it has been a month and they are already flat as pancakes and most nights I just sleep with my head on the mattress since cheap, flat pillows give me a headache.  Can I stop buying them? Nope.

Moving on we have bed sheets.  I MUST buy my bed sheets at Ocean State Job Lot and they can't cost more then 13.99.  Of the last two sets I bought, one lasted 5 minutes and the other lasted a amazing 4 days!!  With the first set the elastics in the corners snapped as soon as I put them on the bed and with the second set it turns out they were such a shitty thread count that we wore a hole in them...I mean how many couples who have been together 12 years can still wear a hole in their bed sheets.  Well if you buy them at discount outlets you may be able to join my club!  Since I discovered the hole today I have to make a trip back to the OSJL tomorrow. I like the night time exfoliation you get from 25 thread count sheets!

Now I will just list a few.  The stories that accompany them are all hilarious but I am starting to realize I might have a problem.

  1. Tin foil from the dollar tree. Useless.  Absolutely fucking useless.
  2. Elf eyeshadow/mascara/eyeliner. Unless you enjoy a stinging, burning sensation in your eye then please be my guest.
  3. Toilet paper from the dollar tree.  Not actually a deal and there is like 5 pieces per roll.
  4. LA's TOTALLY AWESOME WINDOW CLEANER from dollar tree.  SHIT SUCKS SWEATY BALLS. Or if you like the look of smeared dirt then maybe it's for you!
  5. Deodorant from dollar tree.  As a kid one year we all got some in our X-mas stockings.  Nobodies deodorant would roll up.  We did what any self respecting cheapos would do and dug it out with various objects and smeared some on.  Nice.

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of great items there that will save you quite a bit of money.  Here are some.

  1. Pregnancy tests.  Fuckers work great.  Take the 17 dollars and buy 17 more since you will instantly enter denial and need at least 17 more for proof of how screwed you are.
  2. Greeting card.  Who the fuck spends 6.99 on a greeting card?  A asshole that's who.
  3. Wine glasses.  I smash those on the regular.  At least once a night week.
  4. Hummingbird feeder.  Thing works like a charm.
  5. 20 oz Diet Coke.  You know that shit costs 1.75 at the gas station.
So  there it is.  I like cheap crap.  Some of it worth it, some of it not.  There is a old adage..."buy once, cry once" but I just can't seem to wrap my broken little brain around it.  This is how I make sense of my problem.  The joy is in the purchase for me.  The act of buying it is what makes me happy.  If I get to buy sheets 300 times a year I am creating my happiness.  How sick is that?  Oh well. :)

1 comment:

  1. I found your blog randomly today - can't even remember what I was google-ing for to begin with...anyway, i love this! you have a great style, and you're funny as hell. :-)

    -Mike, sunnyvale, california