Monday, October 15, 2012

You better get some gloves on.


A list of events from the previous week that have taken a year off my life.
  • The weekend of October 6th, Dov and I celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary.  It was wonderful.  We were able to convince the grandparents that they should spend some quality time with the kids (overnight), and also got my parents to watch the dog so we could have a solid evening and morning without kids or animals.  The trouble started when we got home.  Tahoe, the dog, starts this strange wheezing, shallow breathing, hacking up mucus thing.  He seemed in enough distress that I believed for a few hours that this might be the end.  He kind of snaped out of it by bedtime so we chalked it up to anxiety from the weekend away etc. (he is a huge pussy).  By the morning though things were right back to bad.  Of course Dov is now at work and I have the kids, one of which I have to drive back and forth to the elementary school about a dozen times a day.  The vet makes me a appointment for 3:30 and tells me to keep my infected dog in the car (hows that for making you feel like a leper) and wait for someone to come out.  About 30 minutes later, after the kids have unbuckled themselves and are screaming, yelling, and jumping all over the sick dog and me, the tech comes out to get us.  Kennel cough.  Tahoe, the dog that never goes anywhere, not to the groomer, not to the kennel, nowhere but my parents house has kennel cough.  Easy enough and it didn't cost our entire bank account to fix him so I was happy.
  • Potty training.  EVERY SINGLE PERSON I HAVE TALKED TO SAID GIRLS ARE EASIER.  This is NOT true.  Isabella has been incredibly difficult.  She loves the idea of underwear but is completely unwilling to consistently use the potty.  This leads to horror shows when I want to be away from the house for more then a hour.  She refuses to wear a diaper and will definitely have a accident. It is awful.  I wish that we had never started this mess.  Just let her eventually decide that she wanted to use the toilet and never of brought it up.  Yesterday I found her outside, no pants, no underwear.  "What is going on Isabella?"  "Nothing."  "Where are your pants?" "Over there." "Why?" "I don't want to wear them."  Of course they were wet.  On and on this has gone for over a month.  Some days she does great, others she craps on her bedroom rug.  I am at a loss.  Noah was wayyyyyyyyyyyy easier.  Just show the boy he can pee standing up while aiming at stuff and it was done.  Isabella...well she said it herself, "Mom.  I am Isabella Lazy Pants."  Yes you are little one...yes you are.
  • Now it is Monday morning 6 am.  I am enjoying a beautiful sunrise and I let the dog out to do his business.  10 minutes later I go to let him in and he comes running in the house in the shitting position.  Picture a dog taking a shit...got it...now picture it taking a shit and running.  Okay so now that we are on the same page you know what I was thinking.  GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!  In the back door and out the front he went.  I followed him out there and he proceeds to keep in the squat position.  I can see a turd in his butthole.  I call Dov, who is halfway to Connecticut (why is it that the shit, literally, hits the fan whenever he is gone) and tell him what I just told you.  His suggestion...GET A GLOVE ON. Ummmmmm no.  If there is going to be gloves involved you better turn that truck around.   In the words of Sweet Brown, "ain't nobody got time for that!"  Luckily for Tahoe, and me, the turd worked its way out on its own.  HAPPY MONDAY!!
  • Corn mazes are not made for children that don't walk good. Just so you know they don't walk good till they are 10.
  • If your not paying attention your son will eat about 5 tablespoons of maple butter to his face at Texas Roadhouse. 
That concludes my list. 

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