Thursday, June 30, 2011

Chickens eat their own poop and other awesome facts.

On the chicken front things are looking much less cute these days.  Feathers are replacing fluff, clucking is replacing tweets, and they poop...a lot, and lay in it, and eat it, uggggg.  I wasn't really a fan of scrambled eggs before we got the chickens, probably because egg collecting was left to me as a child and I remembered the poop being stuck all over the eggs, but now it is because I know their diet consists of grain and their own dumps.  Sooooo if you want eggs you will know where to call 'cause I ain't eating them.  I'll buy the bleached ones from the grocery store....just kidding but ewww... for real people.
You want to know what sucks more then poopy eggs...well do ya?  Painting.  The railing on the porch hadn't been painted in like years so the other day I started and you know whatever Shelly starts Dovey finishes.  Looks nice huh?  Too bad that's just the first half.

There's the rest.  Yeah the porch is going to be needing a vinyl railing when this paint job needs doin' again.  Hells to the no I am not taking this on again.  If it was in the budget that sucker would have been purchased this week instead of Dov and I taking turns slopping paint all over the damn place. 

That is not sweat is wood chips from over head chain sawing that took place before said painting.
Love you baby.  Looking good.  Just a little more then half to go!!!  I promise I am a REALLY GOOD CHEERLEADER!  I even brought him beer and um well I brought him beer.  That and I helped...a little.

The kids had fun though.  We try at least once a week to concoct some sort of contraption that someone could potentially get injured on.  I mean really, what is the fun of using things as directed?  I assure you this one was awesome.
Bella is too smart for any dangerous activities and keeps close to me.  She laughs and eggs Noah on in his endeavors but never gets too close.  Clever that little one is.  Clingy and clever and VERY WHINY.  Lord can this child whine.  She can whine till you yell totally inappropriate things in the company of the children.  Things like, "I am one second away from getting in the car and NEVER EVER COMING HOME!!! YOU HEAR ME!"  Yeah I am totally failing at being a good mom.  Not really I am pretty friggin awesome.  (Big pat on the back)  No I am not but hey this is my blog dammit!
They look alright don't they.  I think so.  Moving on.

I grew wildflowers.  They are beautiful.  The end.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Not for the faint of heart...or stomach.

This morning was supposed to be a great one.  Noah started his summer class and me and Bell were going to enjoy some girl time, planting some flower boxes, playing in the pool, and maybe even a cat nap.  After dropping Noah off I wanted to get a car wash so I drove to the closest one and got in line.  As I waited I look into the backseat to see if Bell was asleep.  Not a second after I look back she projectile vomits all over the place.  So much for a car wash.

I fly home, gagging from the smell of rotten milk, yogurt and fruit that was the contents of Bella's breakfast.  Get her out of the car which means you are elbow deep in vomit.  Not the little baby formula kind but more like what a grown persons vomit looks like.  Run a bath and get her all clean.  Now it is time to tackle the car.  It is quite warm this morning so the smell is magnified.  Let me just say, the car seats today are a complete pain in the ass, both to put in a car and to take out.  There are buckles, clips, and seat belts involved, all in the hardest to reach places.  Now add to that a pile of vomit that you are leaning over and I can tell you it is a ugly sight.

The culprit
Once the car seat is extracted from the vehicle comes the real fun part.  Getting the cover off the GD thing.  More snaps and elastics and buckles all glistening in the summer sun, covered in what else?  Vomit.  Now the flies have caught wind of my plight and are honing in on me and my situation.  Well I got the stupid thing off and it is now in the washing machine along with my clothes, since they too became a casualty in this fiasco.  Having kids is not for the faint of heart.  On a positive note Bell seems to have puked and rallied.  She is running around quite content.  As for me I am exhausted and need another shower.  Hope y'all had a nice weekend!
It's a good thing they are cute!! Muah baby girl!

Sunday, June 26, 2011


ME TOO! ME TOO!  Has become the mantra in the Jaffe household.  No matter what any one INDIVIDUAL person is doing, the rest of the family is all "ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO!!!!!"  I hate it.  I expect it out of Noah, and he comes through quite often but who I didn't expect it from is my husband.  He comes in at a close second to Noah with the ME TOO's.

"What are you doing?  I want to come!"
"What are you eating?  Can I have some!"
"Oh...can I have a sip of your drink?"  blah blah blah

He doesn't always use the ME TOO but it is, in general, the same thing.

I have seen instances were Noah will be in the living room watching T.V and he will hear me start unwrapping a teething cookie for Bella.  He will pause the movie, fly off the couch, start running into the kitchen, fall and smash his head on the floor, jump up and scream, "what are you crinkling, I hear a package!!! What is it?  ME TOO ME TOO!" 

Most often it applies to food but it can also cross over into toys, attention, and almost any other daily activity.  Brushing your too!  Putting lotion too!  Taking a too!  Sitting on the too!  I swear I am starting to go bat shit crazy with it.  So bad that now I have started doing it as well.  Rubbing banana mush into my new too!  Shaking your sippy cup upside down all over the too!  Screaming and running around in too!

A few shots of a ME TOO session.

She is just waiting for Noah to say I want a pink tutu!!! ME TOOOOOOOOOO!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Yes I am the mental person you saw at Target.

I drive a Hyundai Elantra.  A very impractical car for a mother with two children.  The reason that I drive this particular car is because I am impulsive and impatient.  Well maybe I was just done with being the only one out of all my friends that was still driving a car bought off of Craigslist.  That and the whole wondering if this might be the year they fail your cars inspection due to the deadly rust in the wheel wells.  Prior to the purchase of my economy size car I was driving a 1995 Toyota Camry station wagon with a hood that was missing 80% of it's paint and well we already covered the rust.  All in all it was a decent car and had plenty of room for all the baby paraphernalia.  When I was driving this vehicle I only had one child and started to feel like maybe I didn't need to be driving such a "mom" car. 

So fast forward.  We move to Virginia and the whole cash for clunkers is in FULL EFFECT.  I had been begging and pleading for a new whip for a while so Dov decided that we should go take a look.  First dealership we entered, cheapest new car I could afford, sold.  Must have been that new car smell effecting my better judgement, since at the time I was pretty sure I was knocked up again and would soon need even more room for all the additional baby crap. 

So here I am.  Stuck with my bad decision.  I will tell you a sad but true story here so as to make clear my situation.  I have two children as you know.  A boy almost 4 (wow) and a girl 1.  This means that for stroller options you really only have one.  A sit and stand.  Since getting a 3 almost 4 year old to sit anywhere not to mention in a carriage is lunacy to say the least.  Sit and stand is a stroller in the front and a standing area with a little jump seat thing in case the older child decides to make your life easier and sit the hell down (never happens).  It is not small.  It does not fold easily with one hand like the ad says.  God forbid you have any of the attachments on it, it  will appear like you are a homeless person pushing a shopping cart full of your worldly possession's.

These are not my children.  You can tell because both of them are pretty much enjoying the stroller.  Mine like to hang like monkeys all over it and pretty much find any way to get the strap around their neck so it appears that I am trying to kill them.

It was with this stroller and a trunk full of Target shopping bags, a jumbo sized box of diapers, and probably a shit ton of other useless crap I had in there at that moment, that I had a compete nervous breakdown in the middle of a Target parking lot.  It was raining and I had just about had it with my life the kids and for some reason the stupid carriage would not fold up properly.  Try as I might I could not for the life of me get this thing into it's slightly smaller form.  10 minutes later I am trying to shove this thing in the trunk of my Hyundai unfolded.  Scratching the paint, crushing groceries, and crying.  Yes me not the children.  Although Noah was in the car screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING MOM!"  "HURRY UP!"  By the time the adrenaline had worn off I was a sweaty, crying mess.  People were driving by slowly staring like I was a car wreck and I did not care.  I took that carriage out of the trunk and smashed the stupid tray off the front since it seemed to me the only logical thing to do at the time.  Somehow it folded up and I was able to get the hell out of there.  God I hope they don't have security cameras.

Moral of the story.  Don't buy any old new car just to have a "new" car.  I would be much better off in my trusty old wagon even if the kids would be covered in gaping wounds from rubbing up against the rust.  At least I wouldn't look like a loon in the middle of a parking lot somewhere.   

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Drinkies and collage making is fun

I saw this idea on Kelle Hampton's amazing blog yesterday and since Noah is home for one more week I was dying for an idea to keep him occupied.  Now granted this was a blast for me and hubby last night after six  a few nightcaps it was not nearly as fun this morning when I attempted it with Noah.  Lets just say there is Modge Podge ALL OVER the kitchen.  As soon as he had a hefty dose of the stuff all over his hands, hair and table, he was all done and wanted to do something else.  Never mind that he only actually glued one picture to the frame. 
As I said previous, me and hubs spent the better part of the evening, after the kids went to bed, scouring magazines for cute sayings and pictures.  By about 11pm Dov was extricating things like "urine and feces" and "fish taco" so I decided that it was probably bedtime.  I strongly recommend trying this craft project with your significant other since we had a better time doing this than we have had doing anything in the past few weeks.  It is also kind of funny to see what the other half pulls out of his hat.  I never knew Dov was such a sentimental guy! 
If I get any "good" comments on this post I will even entertain the thought of making one for you.  Even if it is just because I want another excuse to stay up late nixing the use of the word diarrhea on the frame.  That and I have like 400 tons of Modge Podge and six more wooden frames.  The one with Bell is on the bookshelf in the den and the one of huge pregnant me is where else but in MY ROOM!!! Yippee.

Yes we are totally feeling the first day of summer.  So what if our pool water is brown now.  So what if we took the hose to the kids in the driveway.  It's summer baby.  Bare feet and Popsicle time.  Just watch out for the black ants.  They have taken to following the kids around piling up on dropped pieces of pop in the driveway.  Happy Summer!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Having a big brother must rock

 The Keyes Park Crew
My kiddos have been extremely lucky the past few days.  They have had the chance to be spoiled by both Grammies.  Saturday into Sunday Dov's mother was here to watch the kids, in which Noah was spoiled so much that he acts like a baby again...even asking to wear a bib at dinner?!  Oh I know, Grammies are allowed to dote on the grand babies but the glorious let down when the Grammy leaves and Mom starts making the rules again.  HAHAHAHA, oh it is evil.
The catch being that today my mother came up so Noah's transition back into reality was delayed by one more day.  We went shopping at my fave spot, the Dollar Tree then over to Target to return all the wrong sized shorts that I bought for all the Dads in my life and then we even braved lunch at Unos and a trip to the park. 
It was at the park that the glaring personality differences in my two children become evident.  Noah runs right to the play structure, finds the first kid he sees and asks him if he wants to be friends.  Bell on the other hand tilts her head to her shoulder and stays real close to mommy.  Afraid of everything unless her big brother is there.  She won't even attempt any single thing until she sees Noah and then very slowly and cautiously she will make her way over and climb up, always making sure she can make eye contact.

Within minutes Noah had a gaggle of friends and knew them all by name.  He is soooo not like me.  I am like my daughter.  A wallflower, a skirt clinger, and VERY VERY cautious.  It was more then OK though because my little girlie is a sucker for Grammies dog Shirley and vice versa.  Quite a kinship those two are sharing.  All in all it was a very good day!
Shirley and Bell going for a walk

Of course I had to get in the tube too

Hanging tough

Fathers day plumbing project and a big DISLIKE

Saturday the Hubs and I attended the wedding of my eldest cousin Andrew.  It was a beautiful wedding and also gave us a chance to catch up with the McLean side of the family.  I think all families have one side that they see more then the other.  In my family my mothers side is the party planners, the lively crew, the ones that like to BBQ.  Dad's family is more subdued, a little more reclusive, still a hoot when you finally see them but not the type to plan a impromptu cookout and let loose very often.  This often means that before a event where they will all be there I feel a level of anxiety.  It is always for nothing because once we get down to talking there is always laughs and a good time to be had.

Me and Dov

Mom and me
My cousin Heather and me
Papa and two of his three granddaughters.  Can you tell who took modeling classes and learned how to take a picture...ya it was not me!   I think I was saying cheese like some kind of moron.

Sunday was Fathers Day and I am sorry to report that we did nothing fun.  When I got up that morning and asked Dov what he wanted to do he picked a home project which SUCKS!  Yes it is nice to have a husband that can do projects around the house with relative ease but it means that usually someone gets stuck keeping the kids out of the way and being extremely bored.  Since it was a beautiful day in the 80's with no humidity I was pissed to say the least.  Yes I was pretty wretched for Father Day.  I feel like a dick about it now but I was really not feeling the cutting open of the ceiling in our dining room and washing drywall dust out of Noah's eyes on that freakin' gorgeous day!!!  I have asked for a do-over, complete with a trip to the beach.  I promise I will behave and not pout if I am sitting in the sand not thinking about bathroom plumbing.  Hope everyone had a great weekend and a better Fathers Day then ours.  We will definitely be doing something non-home related next weekend.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Sista has a big nog

June 28th can not get here fast enough.  Noah will be starting his summer program and I can start to regain a little sanity.  I am becoming so desperate for activities for him and Bella that he can convince me to do almost anything and that even includes taking him to go get ice cream at 1 in the afternoon...not that he had to twist my arm too hard. 

It started out with a lovely trip to my second least favorite place on earth, Walmart.  I struggle through the masses all the while continuously grabbing my daughters legs and pushing her into the sitting position so that she doesn't plummet to the floor and get her second concussion in as many months.  I think between Noah's broken leg and Bella's toss down the stairs we are about one incident away from a complete CPS investigation.  All through the store Bella screams and cries while Noah repeats over and over, "see how good I am mom!  My sister is being SO NAUGHTY and I am being SO GOOD!"  By the time I get all the groceries in the trunk and both kids strapped in the boiling hot car I am ready to throttle someone.  As we drive out of the parking lot Noah does something that he never has done before.  He uses a "mom voice" to repeat something I had said earlier in the day.  Yes, my three year old is mimicking me in a high pitch squeaky voice.  It was in this voice that he asked if he could have ice cream for lunch.  Sure why not.

Now my little Bella Boo.  She had her 15 month checkup the other day and all in all she is doing better then fantastic.  Right on track for all her milestones and slightly above the curve in body proportions.  At this rate she will tower over me when she is 12.  Height is in the 80th percentile, weight in the 75th, and head circumference still at 97%.  What can I say sista has a big nog.  The doc even went as far as asking me to put her on 2% milk instead of whole and then asked that we turn her car seat back into the rear facing position.  SORRY NO.  Can you imagine this baby in her huge stage 2 car seat with the 5 point harness facing backwards?  Her damn feet would be touching the rear windshield for Christ sakes.  Stupid rules.  I have never been to good at following them and I don't think that is going to change now.  I guess I am just giving CPS some more fodder.  I should probably stop that.  This is what Bell thought about it all.
Look at Bell rocking the Belly shirt!  She's all like, "Give me my whole milk sucka, and if you turn my car seat around I will punch you in the throat!"

That more like it mom.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The peeping package and cutting bangs with dull scissors

It is raining.  AGAIN.  I am slowly going crazy and so decided to break the cardinal female hair rule.  I cut my own bangs in a moment that I was feeling a little emotional.  Yes, emotional.  I was feeling old and saw what appears to be WRINKLES in my forehead!  LOP LOP LOP and off comes 2 years of hard work.  Two years of weird side bangs and 4000 headbands.  Two years of 6 trillion bobby pins and hours of blow drying.  Yes they were finally the same length as my hair and I CHOPPED them off with very dull scissors that I found in the pencil cup in the kitchen, classy I know. 

You know what though, this is not the first time that I have broken this rule.   A week before my wedding I also thought that I might want some bangs and the oblivious hairdresser actually said it was a great idea and cut me some bangage.  Now they weren't terrible but as with any drastic haircut you need more then a week to mentally get use to looking at yourself with bangs.  I spent that week before my wedding in a panic trying to figure out if Horses Mane shampoo really does make your hair grow faster.  Lo and behold the bangs worked out for the wedding and to be truthful I actually kinda liked them.  Granted the ones I cut today are a little lopsided since I am blind and was using paper scissors but again...I kinda like them.  The bonus is they make me look twelve instead of thirty.  SWEET!  Here is my bang history in the past 5 years.

My sister and I...see I am sporting the wedding bangs.  This is also a testament that extreme weight loss can be attained when you work out for 4 hours a night and don't let little monsters invade your uterus.  Love them but they do serious irreversible damage to the belly region.
Here we are the DAY AFTER the wedding.  Already growing them out.  Notice me styling the headband.  Yup grew them out for a year here and then did this.

Yet again a emotional haircut.  Just had baby #1, feeling fat, frumpy and exhausted.  Lets cut all our hair off!!!!  Hated this haircut and it made me feel older, fatter, and more matronly then before.

Here we are two weeks ago...bangless and drum roll please.....................................................

Bangs.  Now they better behave or I will headband and bobby pin them into extinction in a HOT minute.

While I typed this lovely blog all about myself the phone rang and the post office informed me that I had a peeping package awaiting pickup.   Here they are!!!  OMG CUTE!
I am in LOVE with my chickens.  They might even sleep in the bed with me.  Just kidding.  Maybe.

I am now taking suggestions for a farm name.  Got any ideas?????  Come on people I need all the help I can muster.  Pretty please!

Cutie pies.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Bluff charge and the bear whisperer.

Noah obviously enjoys his new airplane from the Dollar Store.  In the hour that he tossed it around the yard there was only one expression on his face.  I suspect it to be childhood concentration but it looks like adult constipation.

This thing was worth all 100 pennies and truth be told Noah bought it for himself with all the money he has made getting himself dressed in the morning.  Hey if he wants to wear a pajama shirt, jeans, and his wubba (rubber) shoes that is fine by me.  I have enough people to get dressed in this house.  One down one to go.   I love that a dime is enough to get him to do just about anything, from getting dressed to Swiffer sweeping the house.  Ten cents is as good as offering him twenty bucks.  Pretty sweet gig I got going on here.

In other news my packet from the Fish and Game Department came yesterday.  If you don't know why I would need such information you can catch up here.

Yup there it is.  Some real pearls in here guys.  Lets see, for starters they tell you that if you see a bear that you should start singing.  That should deter the bear and you will be fine and dandy.  Welp I can attest to the fact that the bear I was dealing with did not care in the slightest when I yelled and screamed and I am sure he would not have cared if I started singing.  OK OK maybe there is some other good life saving advice buried in here lets see lets see.  Oh here.  A bear will BLUFF CHARGE when scared.  STAND YOUR GROUND!  DON'T SHOW FEAR!  Oh really.  I know what would happen.  I would shat myself.  Then die.  Of a heart attack.  Then get eaten by the bear.
My favorite part is coming up...wait for it.

All these bears trapezing through MY yard.  Playing on MY KIDS swing set.  Eating MY APPLES.  Well ladies and gentlemen that is a success story.  Okey dokey folks.  Well I am having great success here living in terror of anything that moves in the woods.  Hope you all had a great weekend.